then and now

heartless and unsympathetic

immature and

forlorn

my boys were with me this past weekend. not the title i would use to describe the past 5 days, however "he's" on my mind. been so since 1/29/1976. i held the phone in my hand for so many seconds and i put it away with no resolution. the boys and i had a good weekend for my state-of-mind... depressive, sunday-tive, paternitive... I saw some business on the news about a man and his daughter and her friend going through the ice on sat. night. this had me worried about Sunday when my lil griffey was to go out w/ his gramps. i know he was watching the news as well, so i didn't fret... and to my fear - he fell in the water... up to his thigh.. haha.

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS... DOES IT EAT YOU ALIVE? HOW DO YOU COPE? WHEN'S THE LAST TIME? WHEN DOES THE CRAVING END? DOES WOODY WOODPECKER FINALLY GET THE ROADRUNNER?!?

WHEN DOES THIS NONSENSE END? I WANT TO MOVE ON, HOWEVER THE PAST GRABS AND SCREAMS. AM I FIT TO BE WHAT I CLAIM TO BE? YOU CARRY ON WITH BAGGAGE... SHARE THE LOAD SO I CAN FEEL THE BURDEN. I'M LOST YET FEEL FREE.
IGNORANCE THAT WILL SHIT ON MY WINDSHIELD AS WE CROSS THE BARREN PLAIN.

HELP ME TO HELP YOU

When the lights shine on me

I yearn to be in a place in my life where I can promote myself from within a dense mental fog as our friend Joaquin did last night. My pet trilobite can tell me how I looked on TV and we can replay the clip as we fall deeper and deeper into a Robitussin-induced bliss.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/chi-joaquin-phoenix-letterman-090212-story,0,6955108.story

Someday when the lights shine on me.

don quixotic

i contemplate today, tomorrow, yesterday
and next month's calendar page
a yellow highlighter marking significance
time's ignorance equating to indifference
when i passed myself on the road to discovery
he/i/we acknowledged the theory of relativity
i picture a 7 year-old me questioning everything
with the current iteration calmly justifying
why it is that where we are is who we'll become
and where we were is why we are who we are today
nonsense in one sense and sensibility in another
putting one head to bed while awakening his brother
i pray a common ground is found
to ease timely tensions bound
by the conundrums of self and space
when life is confined to such a quixotic place

today, tomorrow and five minutes later

Tuesday night. Thinking. Alone. Alcohol. If there ever was a trend, then this is the perpetuation of one. A graph of my activity would nosedive on Monday and Tuesday with the occasional rise being a result of having a couple extra bucks and the Olde English Brewing Company making a sale in a predominantly white community. No news on my cousin's cancer and no progression on my affliction of kitchen cleanliness. In all honesty to myself and to you - the reader... all is in God's hands, so my opinion is to share my concerns while making myself a better resource to my fellow man.

Tonight, I want to discuss the demise of my creativity. I'm not quite sure when it passed, although I'm sure it was a peaceful and serene event because there haven't been many exciting or stressful events as of late. I have fleeting thoughts of something that warrants writing and like a fart in the wind, it dissipates with little effect on me or my surroundings. I know I had something that I felt was of interest to someone about an hour ago, however after watching Fringe (my new fave show), the impulse and the ensuing action went their seperate ways, leaving me here discussing the awkward remnants.

This has become the coming and going of my day... thought --> interrupting activity --> drooling --> post-synapitic clean-up --> REPEAT.

I've stated in an earlier posting that sometimes I wish I could find a way to manage severe depression without meds and live in the mental turmoil that bubbles with mental anguish/creativity... however that's not exactly conducive to functional normalcy in today's world and I'm sure the boys would eventually grow tired of my virtual parenting via video conference from the psych ward. The wonderful thing about blogging/internet/social-networking is that even this bit of boredom can be transformed into a 2 minute read for someone searching on "Trilobites".

empty space

i've been having a recurring theme lately and it's getting on my nerves. a general feeling of emptiness leaves me spent most days by the time i get home from work. i'm not sure if it's a sign of my medication not working as it should or if it's something else. the days go by and i lose track until i get phone calls or emails indicating that a sufficient amount of time has passed in the real world around me to take note and finish tasks i said i'd handle.

my cousin called me on friday to tell me that another cousin of mine has cancer and the prognosis isn't good. i felt a twinge of pain, however more out of guilt for my uncle who is still coping with sudden loss of his wife and now has to deal with the grim reality that his daughter may not outlive him. that about sums up my emotions for my unfortunate cousin, which bothers me. granted, we're not very close, however i don't have anyone close to me to get upset about. i sometimes wonder what my family thinks of me and my ways... impersonal, cold, distant, damaged?? which leads me to pull further away, because if they don't feel the need to step up to show me interest, then i'm not going to waste my time either.

what i fear most is growing apart from my children once they become adults and begin to build and define their lives. my sickness has pushed me to my limits at times in the past and my thoughts and concerns for my children have been the primary reasons for not following through. will that driving emotion always be there? will i let someone/thing take their place? will i push them away someday? all hypothetical questions and not something i lose sleep over, although the thoughts linger and dance around my subconscious when work or parental duties don't have the troops attention.

i think what is bothering me most lately is the fact that i've been this way for as long as i can remember and with another birthday approaching, i start to wonder if this is the me that i am to be? a functional void? an empty space?

a day in the life of...

it's sat. night and here i am... for the umpteenth time. wondering what it would be like if someone else was here and telling myself that the option was there many times and i chose plan B for a reason... i like being by myself. if i want to be with someone, i'll go hang with my brother or cousin, realizing that i get annoyed with them after an hour or two and coming home to my cave to replenish myself. today was an abnormal w.b. sat (w.b. = without boys) in that i actually left the house. i had griffin's pinewood derby (went 4-4, but 2 of the losses were bogus... technicalities that i am sure are part of a larger conspiracy). i visited my mom's twice and kicked it at my brother's house for a bit.

phone calls annoy me and unexpected visitors don't know that i wish to throw plates and bowls at them. i never would have thought that i would develop into some anti-social hermit, but here i am... 33 years old (in 5 days) and content yet confused. is this the elusive happiness that i've been searching for? i hear about co-workers marital issues and laugh knowing that i go home to a cold couch and cats that expect as much from me as i expect from them or in other words... perfect roommates.

so, in the spirit of savoring the moment, i tip my glass to the howard hughes's and j.d. salinger's of the world by offering my cheers to the solace found in singularity... may we continue to be our own gift and curse.