maintain

to post something legible or not... 'tis the question. i'm aching for prose, but i'm also hurting inside, so waiting for the artistic urge to hit will only hurt me... SO...

this week was a challenge. no more, no less. i realize i've dug myself a ditch and am or have been finding ways to maintain. maintain happiness, sanity, reason d'etre. dirty outsiders will claim i've got plenty to be (contradiction of 4th sentence). i disagree. this is my blog, so i trump you. happiness, sanity and reason d'etre all applause :). i've got financial and emotional problems, which some may say feed into each other, but one will exist when the the other exits, so i make sure they have each other to play with... it's probably the paternal instinct in me.

ideological differences aside, i yearn for days when i wake up and run about my kitchen/bathroom all scatterbrained, only worrying about getting to my desk to continue yesterday's thoughts... her brainstorming that i gaily dove into and fed from. it happened once or twice and believe it can be again, but wonder WHEN?

is it me? is it me? or is it me? my employer covets thinkers and intellects, so i'm left to wonder. is it in my best interest to maintain or climb the mountain (2 letters difference... not bumper sticker material, but kinda there... right??)??

hate

most of my posts are poetic ramblings that make sense to gifted woodland creatures and myself, so i thought today, i'd post something legible. a lot has happened in the past week that if gone unsaid, would fester in me and defeat the purpose of my blogging or would come out in an incoherent, jibberish that would again, do nobody any good.

i've come to find that i'm fairly consumed with hate... not your run of the mill disdain or bile-inducing anger, but pure, unadulterated, hate. i've known for sometime that i'm severely lacking in this ability some have called "forgiveness" and i'm fully aware that my intolerance speedometer does 0-60 faster than most foreign sports cars. yet, in the past couple weeks, i've come to discover that i may actually qualify for a little known disability known as "heartlessness" or the lack of "feeling".

some symptoms include: defriending facebook friends with little disregard, cutting ties with a neighbor's cat i felt didn't buy into my mode of living by "showing him the door" and closing it behind him and blatently telling my baby-momma i hate her and nothing she could do or say would change what she's said or done.

this disdain for humanity in some ways keeps me motivated, knowing that some think their compassion will win out and some think i'll crack over time, as most do to ease the burden that daily hatred places on most souls. knowing i'm able to hate on with little disregard allows me to fester and build my foundation of hatred towards those that plot against me. razors cut like paper through thin skin.