empty space

i've been having a recurring theme lately and it's getting on my nerves. a general feeling of emptiness leaves me spent most days by the time i get home from work. i'm not sure if it's a sign of my medication not working as it should or if it's something else. the days go by and i lose track until i get phone calls or emails indicating that a sufficient amount of time has passed in the real world around me to take note and finish tasks i said i'd handle.

my cousin called me on friday to tell me that another cousin of mine has cancer and the prognosis isn't good. i felt a twinge of pain, however more out of guilt for my uncle who is still coping with sudden loss of his wife and now has to deal with the grim reality that his daughter may not outlive him. that about sums up my emotions for my unfortunate cousin, which bothers me. granted, we're not very close, however i don't have anyone close to me to get upset about. i sometimes wonder what my family thinks of me and my ways... impersonal, cold, distant, damaged?? which leads me to pull further away, because if they don't feel the need to step up to show me interest, then i'm not going to waste my time either.

what i fear most is growing apart from my children once they become adults and begin to build and define their lives. my sickness has pushed me to my limits at times in the past and my thoughts and concerns for my children have been the primary reasons for not following through. will that driving emotion always be there? will i let someone/thing take their place? will i push them away someday? all hypothetical questions and not something i lose sleep over, although the thoughts linger and dance around my subconscious when work or parental duties don't have the troops attention.

i think what is bothering me most lately is the fact that i've been this way for as long as i can remember and with another birthday approaching, i start to wonder if this is the me that i am to be? a functional void? an empty space?

a day in the life of...

it's sat. night and here i am... for the umpteenth time. wondering what it would be like if someone else was here and telling myself that the option was there many times and i chose plan B for a reason... i like being by myself. if i want to be with someone, i'll go hang with my brother or cousin, realizing that i get annoyed with them after an hour or two and coming home to my cave to replenish myself. today was an abnormal w.b. sat (w.b. = without boys) in that i actually left the house. i had griffin's pinewood derby (went 4-4, but 2 of the losses were bogus... technicalities that i am sure are part of a larger conspiracy). i visited my mom's twice and kicked it at my brother's house for a bit.

phone calls annoy me and unexpected visitors don't know that i wish to throw plates and bowls at them. i never would have thought that i would develop into some anti-social hermit, but here i am... 33 years old (in 5 days) and content yet confused. is this the elusive happiness that i've been searching for? i hear about co-workers marital issues and laugh knowing that i go home to a cold couch and cats that expect as much from me as i expect from them or in other words... perfect roommates.

so, in the spirit of savoring the moment, i tip my glass to the howard hughes's and j.d. salinger's of the world by offering my cheers to the solace found in singularity... may we continue to be our own gift and curse.