i've been having a recurring theme lately and it's getting on my nerves. a general feeling of emptiness leaves me spent most days by the time i get home from work. i'm not sure if it's a sign of my medication not working as it should or if it's something else. the days go by and i lose track until i get phone calls or emails indicating that a sufficient amount of time has passed in the real world around me to take note and finish tasks i said i'd handle.
my cousin called me on friday to tell me that another cousin of mine has cancer and the prognosis isn't good. i felt a twinge of pain, however more out of guilt for my uncle who is still coping with sudden loss of his wife and now has to deal with the grim reality that his daughter may not outlive him. that about sums up my emotions for my unfortunate cousin, which bothers me. granted, we're not very close, however i don't have anyone close to me to get upset about. i sometimes wonder what my family thinks of me and my ways... impersonal, cold, distant, damaged?? which leads me to pull further away, because if they don't feel the need to step up to show me interest, then i'm not going to waste my time either.
what i fear most is growing apart from my children once they become adults and begin to build and define their lives. my sickness has pushed me to my limits at times in the past and my thoughts and concerns for my children have been the primary reasons for not following through. will that driving emotion always be there? will i let someone/thing take their place? will i push them away someday? all hypothetical questions and not something i lose sleep over, although the thoughts linger and dance around my subconscious when work or parental duties don't have the troops attention.
i think what is bothering me most lately is the fact that i've been this way for as long as i can remember and with another birthday approaching, i start to wonder if this is the me that i am to be? a functional void? an empty space?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
a day in the life of...
it's sat. night and here i am... for the umpteenth time. wondering what it would be like if someone else was here and telling myself that the option was there many times and i chose plan B for a reason... i like being by myself. if i want to be with someone, i'll go hang with my brother or cousin, realizing that i get annoyed with them after an hour or two and coming home to my cave to replenish myself. today was an abnormal w.b. sat (w.b. = without boys) in that i actually left the house. i had griffin's pinewood derby (went 4-4, but 2 of the losses were bogus... technicalities that i am sure are part of a larger conspiracy). i visited my mom's twice and kicked it at my brother's house for a bit.
phone calls annoy me and unexpected visitors don't know that i wish to throw plates and bowls at them. i never would have thought that i would develop into some anti-social hermit, but here i am... 33 years old (in 5 days) and content yet confused. is this the elusive happiness that i've been searching for? i hear about co-workers marital issues and laugh knowing that i go home to a cold couch and cats that expect as much from me as i expect from them or in other words... perfect roommates.
so, in the spirit of savoring the moment, i tip my glass to the howard hughes's and j.d. salinger's of the world by offering my cheers to the solace found in singularity... may we continue to be our own gift and curse.
phone calls annoy me and unexpected visitors don't know that i wish to throw plates and bowls at them. i never would have thought that i would develop into some anti-social hermit, but here i am... 33 years old (in 5 days) and content yet confused. is this the elusive happiness that i've been searching for? i hear about co-workers marital issues and laugh knowing that i go home to a cold couch and cats that expect as much from me as i expect from them or in other words... perfect roommates.
so, in the spirit of savoring the moment, i tip my glass to the howard hughes's and j.d. salinger's of the world by offering my cheers to the solace found in singularity... may we continue to be our own gift and curse.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
patriotism
k, i'll stop my senseless ramblings about my psuedo-whorism. guess i just don't have the chops to pull it off day in and day out. if i lost the few readers i had left, then i apologize and i'll start doing what i do to a new crowd or just talk to myself. just know that most of the subject matter was me under the surface nonsense, so you weren't being totally screwed... just marinated with ooey gooey sexiness.
i'm keeping this post short simply because i don't have squat to say... other than that i found out how cool http://www.npr.com/ (you know... the really lame station your dad listened to back in the day) is and coupling that with the new-found patriotism we all dug up over the past week. To see Jimi put his name on the national anthem is something everyone should see:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=99505099
i'm keeping this post short simply because i don't have squat to say... other than that i found out how cool http://www.npr.com/ (you know... the really lame station your dad listened to back in the day) is and coupling that with the new-found patriotism we all dug up over the past week. To see Jimi put his name on the national anthem is something everyone should see:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=99505099
Monday, January 12, 2009
Early to bed...
We all have our vices and I'm sure you'll agree that there are some worse than others. I get paid for sex, which when all is said and done, I would consider a vice. Why would I want to expose myself day-in and day-out to such a numbing experience, simply to make sure I have clothes on my back and a roof over my head.
In short, it helps me forget my other vices. I think that's an underlying reason why many of us do what we do. To compile a short list of minor vices of mine would take a minute or two, but this epiphany has taken years. It took form in the past few days as I've been thinking of bits to share and is coming out in a flood of emotions right now. I chew my nails, I lie, I cheat, I steal, I drink too much caffeine. Why? I'm nervous about yesterday's "john"'s wife walking in and catching her husband and I, as well as "john" looking for me after he's realized what I took as a souvenir... the latte I drank as I drove away covers the last item.
To forget said incident, I'll "work" tonight and take what life delivers. Today I wondered if this is what my path is? Vicing to forget my vices? Sinning to cover up my sins? To repent or not repent? Why bother when I'll start small again on my way out of church?
Not to look for any answers, so much as a starting point. One cannot change until they see what need's to be changed. And no, I don't intend to put away my heels after logging off and picking up a copy of the classifieds. I started this as a mental mirror to reflect on and see where the days take me... inside and outside my head. And as confusing as this blogging business has been to me... making time when I thought I had none, using creativity while fully clothed and choosing to let a part of me out that's been locked up for some time... it's certainly helped me see things in a new light. And (don't you hate it when people start sentences with "And"??) to really catch the moment... I've begun work on an anti-vice --> Sleep.
In short, it helps me forget my other vices. I think that's an underlying reason why many of us do what we do. To compile a short list of minor vices of mine would take a minute or two, but this epiphany has taken years. It took form in the past few days as I've been thinking of bits to share and is coming out in a flood of emotions right now. I chew my nails, I lie, I cheat, I steal, I drink too much caffeine. Why? I'm nervous about yesterday's "john"'s wife walking in and catching her husband and I, as well as "john" looking for me after he's realized what I took as a souvenir... the latte I drank as I drove away covers the last item.
To forget said incident, I'll "work" tonight and take what life delivers. Today I wondered if this is what my path is? Vicing to forget my vices? Sinning to cover up my sins? To repent or not repent? Why bother when I'll start small again on my way out of church?
Not to look for any answers, so much as a starting point. One cannot change until they see what need's to be changed. And no, I don't intend to put away my heels after logging off and picking up a copy of the classifieds. I started this as a mental mirror to reflect on and see where the days take me... inside and outside my head. And as confusing as this blogging business has been to me... making time when I thought I had none, using creativity while fully clothed and choosing to let a part of me out that's been locked up for some time... it's certainly helped me see things in a new light. And (don't you hate it when people start sentences with "And"??) to really catch the moment... I've begun work on an anti-vice --> Sleep.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Anonymity
Just when you think you're anonymous, life has a way of letting you know you're always in the back of its mind. Comforting in one way, yet discouraging in that even as adults, we're still children hunting cookie jars. In the same breath, how come it seems that for all the good we do in life, we're recognized moreso for our mistakes and missteps?
After a hectic and somewhat downtrodden week, I ran into an old acquaintance while walking to the market today. Over the years, I've learned to drown out everyday life and functionaly zone out. In mode and en route, this person recognized me and caught my attention and I caught myself off guart by welcoming the company.
Our connection was via a previous employer and no... not that kind of employer. This was from another time and an earlier life. A simpler period looking back, however miserable at the time. We shared the jewelry counter at a local department store, so it was a young lady's dream gig for a short while. A diamond encrusted playland that paid the bills. What's to complain about you ask?? I was freshly dipped each night as long as I returned the keys to the pumpkin in the morning, before my supervisor got in.
My co-worker and this morning's acquaintance, would constantly warn me about my actions, until I convinced her to accompany me out. I made a point to take enough for the both of us and being away from the diamond mine made it easier to persuade her to try the charmed life. To see the sparkle in her eye when she saw her bedazzled reflection brought back the memories I used to enjoy before complacency set in. After a bit of playtime, I managed to drag her away to enjoy the rest of the night.
With the next day came a jarring discussion thanks to my supervisor. Seems my princess-in-training took a bit of fondness to some of her trinkets and when questioned, decided to share her version of Cinderella, complete with naming the little mouse that delivered the goods. Although I was mildly upset that I was outed, I was building up my escape from slavery in the diamond mines, so it all worked out.
After some introduction chatter, we questioned each other's travels since commercial slavery. She had since finished college and was a happy cubicle drone in an office downtown, complete with husband and kids. With a block to go before she reached her daily destination, she inquired about my path up to today. How does one, in my shoes, handle this with grace, tact, and "ahem" honesty?? I did my best to describe tripping across my business concept over dinner with a date. Oh, the life of a therapist (specializing in undersexed males). School... yes, I studied men's philosophy. Family... very little unless you count those that disowned me once they made their discoveries... "ahem" I mean no, we've become distant over the past few years... connecting over the holidays.
As her building approached, we bid adieus and exchanged hugs... she holding a bit longer than what would seem customary. When our eyes met again, I could see that my lies were less than successful and I saw a look of curiosity, disgust and pity. Again, I was the one on the wrong side of the tracks and she was the one wanting to step. Cursing me for feeding the parasites that taint the innocent world she likes to claim. I wondered how many times she saw me walking before deciding to approach me and now regretting her decision because of the soiling that resulted.
After a hectic and somewhat downtrodden week, I ran into an old acquaintance while walking to the market today. Over the years, I've learned to drown out everyday life and functionaly zone out. In mode and en route, this person recognized me and caught my attention and I caught myself off guart by welcoming the company.
Our connection was via a previous employer and no... not that kind of employer. This was from another time and an earlier life. A simpler period looking back, however miserable at the time. We shared the jewelry counter at a local department store, so it was a young lady's dream gig for a short while. A diamond encrusted playland that paid the bills. What's to complain about you ask?? I was freshly dipped each night as long as I returned the keys to the pumpkin in the morning, before my supervisor got in.
My co-worker and this morning's acquaintance, would constantly warn me about my actions, until I convinced her to accompany me out. I made a point to take enough for the both of us and being away from the diamond mine made it easier to persuade her to try the charmed life. To see the sparkle in her eye when she saw her bedazzled reflection brought back the memories I used to enjoy before complacency set in. After a bit of playtime, I managed to drag her away to enjoy the rest of the night.
With the next day came a jarring discussion thanks to my supervisor. Seems my princess-in-training took a bit of fondness to some of her trinkets and when questioned, decided to share her version of Cinderella, complete with naming the little mouse that delivered the goods. Although I was mildly upset that I was outed, I was building up my escape from slavery in the diamond mines, so it all worked out.
After some introduction chatter, we questioned each other's travels since commercial slavery. She had since finished college and was a happy cubicle drone in an office downtown, complete with husband and kids. With a block to go before she reached her daily destination, she inquired about my path up to today. How does one, in my shoes, handle this with grace, tact, and "ahem" honesty?? I did my best to describe tripping across my business concept over dinner with a date. Oh, the life of a therapist (specializing in undersexed males). School... yes, I studied men's philosophy. Family... very little unless you count those that disowned me once they made their discoveries... "ahem" I mean no, we've become distant over the past few years... connecting over the holidays.
As her building approached, we bid adieus and exchanged hugs... she holding a bit longer than what would seem customary. When our eyes met again, I could see that my lies were less than successful and I saw a look of curiosity, disgust and pity. Again, I was the one on the wrong side of the tracks and she was the one wanting to step. Cursing me for feeding the parasites that taint the innocent world she likes to claim. I wondered how many times she saw me walking before deciding to approach me and now regretting her decision because of the soiling that resulted.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Forgotten...
This blogging is serious business. nuff said. When you've had umpteen jimmies in your buisness, you lose track of time. With resolutions and daily fodder out of the way, I guess it's time we get down to the core of being a lady of the night.
Like y'all, I get tired of the same ole, same ole; however I also know that said same ole keeps the lights on. With that said, I have managed to keep some flexibility in this day on-day off schedule. When I'm not getting stuffed with various cream fillings, you can find me online or cuddled up with a good read. I rarely venture outside, since I've got all night to do so. On the rare occasion I've got a day "john", I'm apt to get the job done quicker to get home to my sanctuary and away from y'all.
To be frank, I really don't enjoy my fellow humans and can do without you for the most part. This "most part" not consisting of my moms, pops and my sis. They help me keep the wagon from ridin' on 2 wheels vs. 4. While you've all (people in general) managed to destroy trust, humanity, compassion, and faith in some way or another (w/ bias I'm sure); these individuals have risen above the dust (or kept my ire at bay) to maintain some sort of semblance that allows me reason to continue hope in family.
My mother comes first because she got me to this position (life, liberty and pursuit of happiness... blah, blah). My father (save for being a sperm donor) has shown me that with all life's ills, there is still reason to smile. My sis fills in the gaps and shows me what's possible when I make use of what I have.
With all that said, I've learned that family can be a burden or a buoy... keeping us back or keeping us afloat. Nothing more or nothing less. Finding the balance has been a chore for the past 32 years. Just when I think I've found that balance that keeps me from sinking, I find myself gasping and vice versa (fangs visible and drooling). Moms drops wisdom or opinion and I play my hand. Last year, this resulted in a stalemate and took me to checkmate to get a response. Pops will always take the check to make sure I've got firm footing. Sis is the average and question mark. When I think I've got shit maintained and locked up, one of the three drops the hammer and puts me on to see what I've learned. Over-confidence typically prevails and I end up sucking hind-tail to get back to square one.
When I look at my spot on the playing field today, I know that it's only a move away from checkmate... yours or mine. Keep me engaged knowing I've got some chance to prevail and an equal amount of chance to fail. Spectators practice silence and participants utilize will. This game is life and this life will...
Like y'all, I get tired of the same ole, same ole; however I also know that said same ole keeps the lights on. With that said, I have managed to keep some flexibility in this day on-day off schedule. When I'm not getting stuffed with various cream fillings, you can find me online or cuddled up with a good read. I rarely venture outside, since I've got all night to do so. On the rare occasion I've got a day "john", I'm apt to get the job done quicker to get home to my sanctuary and away from y'all.
To be frank, I really don't enjoy my fellow humans and can do without you for the most part. This "most part" not consisting of my moms, pops and my sis. They help me keep the wagon from ridin' on 2 wheels vs. 4. While you've all (people in general) managed to destroy trust, humanity, compassion, and faith in some way or another (w/ bias I'm sure); these individuals have risen above the dust (or kept my ire at bay) to maintain some sort of semblance that allows me reason to continue hope in family.
My mother comes first because she got me to this position (life, liberty and pursuit of happiness... blah, blah). My father (save for being a sperm donor) has shown me that with all life's ills, there is still reason to smile. My sis fills in the gaps and shows me what's possible when I make use of what I have.
With all that said, I've learned that family can be a burden or a buoy... keeping us back or keeping us afloat. Nothing more or nothing less. Finding the balance has been a chore for the past 32 years. Just when I think I've found that balance that keeps me from sinking, I find myself gasping and vice versa (fangs visible and drooling). Moms drops wisdom or opinion and I play my hand. Last year, this resulted in a stalemate and took me to checkmate to get a response. Pops will always take the check to make sure I've got firm footing. Sis is the average and question mark. When I think I've got shit maintained and locked up, one of the three drops the hammer and puts me on to see what I've learned. Over-confidence typically prevails and I end up sucking hind-tail to get back to square one.
When I look at my spot on the playing field today, I know that it's only a move away from checkmate... yours or mine. Keep me engaged knowing I've got some chance to prevail and an equal amount of chance to fail. Spectators practice silence and participants utilize will. This game is life and this life will...
Friday, January 2, 2009
2009 Resolutions
So as neophyte as I claim to be, I find myself continuously doing otherwise... in this example posting a list of new years resolutions. Well, then so be it and maybe you'll see a Rx for this in my list.
Another night with my "influence" and another blog... trend or just coincidence?? No comments yet, so maybe you're questioning the raison d'etre de c'est l'enfant? Split personality... curious yearning... plea for attention??? Whatever the reason, I have a voice and feel it worthy of sharing, so pass your judgement and read on (because I know you sick lil puppies are all waiting for the moment I go all "play-by-play" and talk about a day-in-the-life-of).
I've begun work on one goal and you're reading it. I share my thoughts and dreams with "Johns", however I'm sure you know how far that gets me. my dear monkie has given me the gift of the world. Even if I get no replies, I get a soapbox that I never had. When a gal spends a good part of her day looking up, she has a lot to think about. This platform allows me to get those grandiose thoughts out of my head and room to grow... and also allows me to cache those thoughts and back to the task at hand.
My second goal is to do more introspective spelunking. I know this collection will do so (granted I continue), however I want to expand on it exponentially by taking a step physically parallel to those done so mentally. I get out mainly to make ends meet. I have yet to truly explore this new community and my own world more so. As much as I enjoy the pleasure my profession provides, I yearn for a more complete fulfilling picture I know I'm currently missing.
Finally, I want to learn a new skill(s). I think this should be a goal for everyone, but I gotta start small, so I'll preach to my own choir before I enter your place of worship. Whether it be something as simple as re-discovering the art of parallel parking or something more grandiose, I want to push myself to new limits. Don't take this as a subtle dig to my profession, as I enjoy making a living doing what so many of you yearn for (and are willing to pay for). I'm reverting to my all-encompassing view in that we should all push ourselves to learn what so many of us already know. True cross-training. My crosshairs are dead set on candystriping.
Should this "experiment" continue, we'll all share in the daily fruit of a tart. The ongoing question being who benefits more.
Another night with my "influence" and another blog... trend or just coincidence?? No comments yet, so maybe you're questioning the raison d'etre de c'est l'enfant? Split personality... curious yearning... plea for attention??? Whatever the reason, I have a voice and feel it worthy of sharing, so pass your judgement and read on (because I know you sick lil puppies are all waiting for the moment I go all "play-by-play" and talk about a day-in-the-life-of).
I've begun work on one goal and you're reading it. I share my thoughts and dreams with "Johns", however I'm sure you know how far that gets me. my dear monkie has given me the gift of the world. Even if I get no replies, I get a soapbox that I never had. When a gal spends a good part of her day looking up, she has a lot to think about. This platform allows me to get those grandiose thoughts out of my head and room to grow... and also allows me to cache those thoughts and back to the task at hand.
My second goal is to do more introspective spelunking. I know this collection will do so (granted I continue), however I want to expand on it exponentially by taking a step physically parallel to those done so mentally. I get out mainly to make ends meet. I have yet to truly explore this new community and my own world more so. As much as I enjoy the pleasure my profession provides, I yearn for a more complete fulfilling picture I know I'm currently missing.
Finally, I want to learn a new skill(s). I think this should be a goal for everyone, but I gotta start small, so I'll preach to my own choir before I enter your place of worship. Whether it be something as simple as re-discovering the art of parallel parking or something more grandiose, I want to push myself to new limits. Don't take this as a subtle dig to my profession, as I enjoy making a living doing what so many of you yearn for (and are willing to pay for). I'm reverting to my all-encompassing view in that we should all push ourselves to learn what so many of us already know. True cross-training. My crosshairs are dead set on candystriping.
Should this "experiment" continue, we'll all share in the daily fruit of a tart. The ongoing question being who benefits more.
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