Use Me

Ah... the life of an internet call-girl. After knowing what some men think/do about behind closed doors, I'm perfectly fine being single and using them for profit. Their actions and behaviors continually make me question how far they've really evolved over time. It just figures that I chose to start my diary with one who hasn't fully developed into a complete man yet. Today's "Johns" refreshed my memory on what man's true potential is. Having a taser and a switchblade in my boots helps me even those evolutionary tables.

Yet for all the hassle, they tell me upfront what's to be expected. My non-professional connections are far more vague and far too unfulfilling. Too much give or take and someone is always left hurt and wanting in the end. When you don't know what's being given/taken and end up being taken one two many times... you start to question the benefits of these "open-relationships". My hope is that we all learn at some point that most relationships are unwritten contracts. When you can show me how many unwritten contacts you've been in that worked out, I'll show you how much money I'll leave out on my kitchen counter should you pay me a visit. When people know what's expected of them, they tend to respect their boundaries more; for fear of losing out on their "expectations".

Once we eliminate the negative connotations surrounding the term "use", we'll eliminate taking advantage of each other so much. Some immediate examples of everyday ways we use each other are:

• employment arrangements (you use me for task completion and in return, I'll use you for compensation)
• financial contracts (when else would you give someone more than they gave you? When they're enabling you to enjoy short-term benefits)

Past these two main categories, we fall into the grey area of "open relationships" where nothing is pre-determined and the stakes are much higher. We also introduce the currency of "Trust". The amount of trust in our wallets and purses is what raises or lowers the stakes of those open relationships/gambles. And since you can't go to the First National Bank of Trust and make weekly withdrawals/deposits, these emotional gambles are far more risky than many of our pre-determined usage arrangements.

With all that said, it's late and I've yet to "powder my nose" for my 11:30 appt. To put some type of closure to my rambling, once I stopped expecting "donations" (physical/emotional) and started providing/requesting tangibles (physical/emotional), I stopped the NSF fees in my trusting account.

Another way of putting it... when there's less chance for surprise (aka discovery/romance/love), there's less chance for surprise (aka abandonment/loss/pain). depressing, yet refreshing.

Sophie's Eyes

After a late-night, post-coital discussion with a recent "John", I've decided to start this collection of observations. You can call it a blog, however I prefer to shun the norm (although blogging about this sort of puts me back in the status quo today).


I'll dedicate my initial posting to my inspirational "John". And for someone who gets an "inspirational" credit, I think said "John" is also worthy of a pseudonym, which I'll fondly borrow from his online moniker - monkie. We'll call him monkie for it's cute, fuzzie, monchichi-like nature.


monkie, who I'll describe as a down-on-his-luck lonely soul with good intentions and poor fortitude, has a number of obvious issues, yet is able to functionly avoid attention. He's a single father and he's alienated himself from a good part of the outside world to focus on his parental duties and self-loathing. He came across me in an online forum and after some initial IM humor, we struck up a conversation on relationships in an increasingly virtual society. After divorcing, he's primarily met people online via dating sites, chat rooms, and social networking communities. Being a woman who makes her ends meet via the same channels, we obviously initially had a lot in common.

After some additional chatting, we discussed business and decided upon logistics. Unlike some folks who tend to live a fantasy life through their online personas, I found monkie to be a fairly straight-forward person. We initiallly shared some photos and online fodder prior to allowing our early conversation to proceed to it's current state and from what I saw, I wasn't surprised with any new material upon our face-to-face meeting. After a number of drinks and introductory banter, we fornicated and I decided to call it a night then and there.

I'll leave the door open here and finish my preliminary notes after our next appointment.