when simplicity isn't simple

its nearing the dusk of june. as the sun sets on the first half of 2009, i can safely share the facts to this point... a lot has happened and a lot has yet to occur. my "blogging" has taken a severe cut, however i've found a part of me that's been missing for some time. i often thought that the two would go hand-in-hand... the more i shared, the more i'd find out about myself; however such has not been the case.

the happiness i yearned for over the past few years has found a seat next to me and we're being selfish with each other, although not to the point where i only laugh in closets. moreso, when i say "selfish", i'm embracing the new/old me and not looking to lose myself in any misguided relationship, as i've done so many times in the past.

as i write this, i'm catching myself stumped for answers to this damning dillemma and can only summon this - i "simply" learned to accept myself and discover the wonders that people have been telling me about for some time.

i'm aware that this "simply" does not do justice to this period of self-discovery, but at this point of the journey, i cannot define a point where i crossed from A to B... it is just happening. with that said, i'm hoping that with so many things in life, hindsight will be my cliff notes for future reference.

sick of...

have you.. yeah YOU.. ever wondered if someone didn't give a shit about you?

what if... they truly yawned upon news of your untimely demise?

the sooner you accept it, the better you'll sleep at night because you're one of billions and someone is dying or just died and you don't know them and don't care... nothing personal, but that's life.

i guess i'm sick of beating myself up over things i can't help or change... it's been a fault of mine for a good chunk of time and i've wasted a lot of precious time doing so. not sure if i can up and stop, however i'm making a bit more effort to move past things and enjoy time as it presents itself.

whether it works for me will be seen over time, but it's one thing that i can change and that's something i've yet had a chance to get sick of.

then and now

heartless and unsympathetic

immature and

forlorn

my boys were with me this past weekend. not the title i would use to describe the past 5 days, however "he's" on my mind. been so since 1/29/1976. i held the phone in my hand for so many seconds and i put it away with no resolution. the boys and i had a good weekend for my state-of-mind... depressive, sunday-tive, paternitive... I saw some business on the news about a man and his daughter and her friend going through the ice on sat. night. this had me worried about Sunday when my lil griffey was to go out w/ his gramps. i know he was watching the news as well, so i didn't fret... and to my fear - he fell in the water... up to his thigh.. haha.

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS... DOES IT EAT YOU ALIVE? HOW DO YOU COPE? WHEN'S THE LAST TIME? WHEN DOES THE CRAVING END? DOES WOODY WOODPECKER FINALLY GET THE ROADRUNNER?!?

WHEN DOES THIS NONSENSE END? I WANT TO MOVE ON, HOWEVER THE PAST GRABS AND SCREAMS. AM I FIT TO BE WHAT I CLAIM TO BE? YOU CARRY ON WITH BAGGAGE... SHARE THE LOAD SO I CAN FEEL THE BURDEN. I'M LOST YET FEEL FREE.
IGNORANCE THAT WILL SHIT ON MY WINDSHIELD AS WE CROSS THE BARREN PLAIN.

HELP ME TO HELP YOU

When the lights shine on me

I yearn to be in a place in my life where I can promote myself from within a dense mental fog as our friend Joaquin did last night. My pet trilobite can tell me how I looked on TV and we can replay the clip as we fall deeper and deeper into a Robitussin-induced bliss.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/chi-joaquin-phoenix-letterman-090212-story,0,6955108.story

Someday when the lights shine on me.

don quixotic

i contemplate today, tomorrow, yesterday
and next month's calendar page
a yellow highlighter marking significance
time's ignorance equating to indifference
when i passed myself on the road to discovery
he/i/we acknowledged the theory of relativity
i picture a 7 year-old me questioning everything
with the current iteration calmly justifying
why it is that where we are is who we'll become
and where we were is why we are who we are today
nonsense in one sense and sensibility in another
putting one head to bed while awakening his brother
i pray a common ground is found
to ease timely tensions bound
by the conundrums of self and space
when life is confined to such a quixotic place

today, tomorrow and five minutes later

Tuesday night. Thinking. Alone. Alcohol. If there ever was a trend, then this is the perpetuation of one. A graph of my activity would nosedive on Monday and Tuesday with the occasional rise being a result of having a couple extra bucks and the Olde English Brewing Company making a sale in a predominantly white community. No news on my cousin's cancer and no progression on my affliction of kitchen cleanliness. In all honesty to myself and to you - the reader... all is in God's hands, so my opinion is to share my concerns while making myself a better resource to my fellow man.

Tonight, I want to discuss the demise of my creativity. I'm not quite sure when it passed, although I'm sure it was a peaceful and serene event because there haven't been many exciting or stressful events as of late. I have fleeting thoughts of something that warrants writing and like a fart in the wind, it dissipates with little effect on me or my surroundings. I know I had something that I felt was of interest to someone about an hour ago, however after watching Fringe (my new fave show), the impulse and the ensuing action went their seperate ways, leaving me here discussing the awkward remnants.

This has become the coming and going of my day... thought --> interrupting activity --> drooling --> post-synapitic clean-up --> REPEAT.

I've stated in an earlier posting that sometimes I wish I could find a way to manage severe depression without meds and live in the mental turmoil that bubbles with mental anguish/creativity... however that's not exactly conducive to functional normalcy in today's world and I'm sure the boys would eventually grow tired of my virtual parenting via video conference from the psych ward. The wonderful thing about blogging/internet/social-networking is that even this bit of boredom can be transformed into a 2 minute read for someone searching on "Trilobites".