december

there's a chill in the air that hurts

through the layers, through the glass

bringing upon a painful numbness

that feeds on memories of significance past

a snowy day with lingering thoughts

sprinkled with doubts of years gone by

kids in gore-tex and feathered down

oblivious or naive, they're fortunate

as i watch them play, I

recall the dynamics of childhood

the drawbacks of change

the gift and the curse of age

beautiful spontaneity, limitless hope

empty black evenings and blanketless cold

striking contrasts with eerie similarity

a portrait encompassing our youth

solitude

Alone with you, I can't help but wonder

Are you the one or another blunder

Destiny's sense of humor has a way

of making the obvious "confidential" per se

Breaking the news once all but I know

Parade Grand Marshall of the idiot show

If why is what, then who is where

The joke remains and I stop and stare

At a train wreck, guilty as charged

Mirror images I ignore with disregard

Dance with me, for I know not why

Only that I'll find a reason for good-bye

Whether it be personal or superficial

You'll thank me as separation will be beneficial

Incurable cancer with a touch of hurt

Doctoral thesis for psychology major convert

inception to conception

raindrops bounce off headlight beams

shimmering reflections

illuminating fermenting dreams

cranial selections

subliminal choices i don't control

intriguing diversions

far too many thoughts to hold

impending dispersion

what sticks is based on days gone by

yesterday's erosion

remnants remain to answer why

eventual notion

tonight i'll sleep, tomorrow i'll awaken

continual conception

i pray i build upon the path i've taken

evolutionary perception

Seasonal Reasoning

The grey skies continue, both inside and outside my head. I would say the trend is now nearing 2 months of general sub-par emotions. I’ve cut back on my “bad habit” and have noticed little change, so not quite sure of the cause. With that said, the past weekend was a w.b. weekend, so I feel somewhat better, but know that an extended w/o. b. is approaching, and as a result - the need to entertain myself in productive ways.

I was thinking about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD – fitting acronym, huh?), since I certainly notice a distinct emotional drop-off in the past 2 months and the symptoms seem to match up:

Symptoms of SAD may consist of: difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to oversleep as well as to overeat, and especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities. All of this leads to the depression, pessimism, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder (per Wikipedia).

Do I see my doc to get my meds re-adjusted or just see it through and let things play out? I see I asked myself the same question last month, so I think if something doesn’t give by Christmas, then I’ll proceed to option 1. If you’re reading and haven’t heard from me, then don’t take it personal… I’m avoiding everybody. You’re neither special nor shunned… just an unlucky acquaintance of a SAD patient.

What's happening!?!?

After 2 days of hell, I’m tired of being angry for no reason. Granted there have been stupid people and situations to get angry at, but I’m usually pretty good at letting those things go under the bridge and look to the goodness that will eventually come. Instead, I find myself diving into the water and fighting the current, at most times for no reason other than to fight it. As one can imagine… this gets pretty tiring, not to mention frustrating.

Last night I was drained to the point where I went home, ate dinner and decided bed was the best option at 7pm and tonight is looking much like the same. Now if you don’t know me, I’ve fought through episodes of depression in the past and take happy pills to help w/ the daily struggle I call “life”. I’m now considering if I need to check w/ my doc to see if my meds need to be re-evaluated, since this is exactly how I feel when I lapse on my meds for some time.

Anyway, I’ll be back in a minute… I’ve got to punch some happy people.

September Farmer

Prior to first frost

And post-cultivation

I’ll be tasting the fruits of my labor

Potatoes and corn galore

Never once needing

You and your grocery store

Cool dirt under my nails

And overalls over my arse

I’ll gaily sing in the field

While I dance in my boots

Picking carrots and plucking beans

Getting’ down to the levels of roots

addiction

my nemesis knocks
he peeks through the cracks
next the doorbell, because
he knows i'll look back
a false promise of change
we're old lovers scorned
i've heard all the lies
as we've been here before


our time defines tragedy
synonyms - misery & grief
his taking, my giving
in hindsight, disbelief
so tonight he'll return
like so many times before
no matter the address
its the same man at the door

grey skies

Grey skies foretell the coming day

The shades gently sway,

keeping in step with the trees

I wish the breeze would take me with it

Optimism overshadowed by doubt

Worries steeped in fear and loathing

I wonder when the skies will clear

and let the sun wash that all away

Slowly, routine drives me from bed to door

I see the day painted on the faces I pass

Long and solemn, with nary a "Hello"

Not one to stand out, I follow in stride

As I navigate through this sea of neutrality

One can sense the underlying hope,

that on better days would beam blue

Driving us to tolerate this day of grey

... To be continued

(unfit) befriend me

covered in blankets on a Sunday afternoon

outside my brick walls i hear children

naive to the dismay that surrounds them

across the street, young lovers squabble

their discussions can sometimes be heard

proof that hate is the opposite of love

and their emotional divide creates steep slopes

slick with tears and pocketed by deep cuts

three scenarios melded into a moment

i envision skipping along my timeline

dotting the similar scenes with yellow

worthy of review at a later point

back to my bedroom

i share my day with a select few

the passing breeze is my sensory postman

delivering the daily in random broadcasts

a quick scent of grass clippings and grilled cuisine

trampled by neighborly ramblings

experienced listeners can snare

secrets from the stillness

and meaning from the masses

happy melodies waft from the music machine

the type of friend that never listens

but only because they have so much to say

we're puzzle pieces cut from a whole

empty introversion welcoming plucky perception

their harmonic recollections enable me to imagine

my white walls dripping and under footing crashing

content to drown in a dizzying, hyper-colored surf

or simply another soul who's shared my cracked spectacles

Pageturner

tick, tick, i'm torn

seconds turn to minutes

and days into years

i can't let go and dreams

manifest into fears

chance after chance

excuses and lies

so many hellos

equal as many goodbyes

and so my story continues

verbs dance around nouns

while sentences gaze

as words come together

another new page

let this chapter be rosy

for the last made me cry

another similar passage

and my eyes will be dry

let him find her

and let her see him

accepting each other

and all that's within

if we all lived by prose

a chance could possibly stand

but we're characters, not authors

and we can't write the end

Finding Myself (post from a past, since deleted blog)

i know of me firsthand

and have heard it from so many

but to find yourself again

is an unforgettable journey

no particular initiation

typically a random find

cleaning out the closet unearths

a photo album labeled life

some shame, pounds of blame

hidden tears and miles of pain

but as the glossy polaroid

reflects a regret

the picture below it

floods the depressing abyss

with the sunbeams and grass of

a fridge-worthy childhood drawing

this teeter-tottering continues

until the kodachrome time machine

makes its last stop

at a reflection of me in April

different shirt, same peppered hair

variation of me today

captured in another somewhere

fresh, but someday archived

from my database of thoughts

to this celluloid museum dedicated

to preservation of days lost

untitled... until one rears its face

Poetry to me is a way to release, yet disguise what I'm thinking and feeling. For a long time, I wrote because I wore a mask and hid the real me from everyone... including myself. Wordplay allowed me to dance around reality... a reality I avoided for various reasons (shame, anger, frustration, fear, to name a few).

"Staring into the void

I catch myself again and again

its darkness is haunting, but mesmorizing

Simultaneously pulling and pushing

I ebb and flow in response

The blackness erodes the world it touches

and as a result, the edge is closer than ever before

Each new day teases the urge

Each setback is another nudge

Could anything be worse than the daily sadness

Would the vacuum suck it all away

Or has misery had similar notions

Discarding it's remnants and polluting the afterlife

thus erasing the possibility of escape"

As the clumsy steps made way to dips and twists, I found I had a knack for mincing and melding words that I never knew I had. So, not only did I find a way to release stress and tension, I also found a way to foster creativity I sensed under the surface... but couldn't find an avenue for.

"Love is a demon I've come to hate

It teases my heart and spits in my face

Come here fool, see what I've brought you

a time bomb with feelings, meant to arouse you

open your heart and the countdown begins

it senses your lust, willingness to give in

When it rips you to shreds, don't be surprised

its actually the bastard love in disguise"

Like so many things, this bit of self-discovery had a sharp edge that cut when touched. As I attempted self-therapy on myself, as well as nurtured my newfound creativity, I caught myself trying to sink deeper to get closer to "reality".

Thankfully, I caught wind of everyone else's reality and saw that there were some obvious differences and stopped to wonder why my "reality" was full of dark days and bottomless pits and to others it provided daily reasons to wake up... with smiles nevertheless.

"A morning will come when I no longer run

i'll wake and greet everyone i pass

maybe they'll smile and maybe not

could be monday or friday, 1st or 31st

nothing will matter but the fact i'm alive

that day will come and i'll enjoy every breath

each moment as it occurs and not a second later

enough has been spent ruminating the past

so much wasted on the myth called maybe

yesterday's practice

tomorrow's a dream

take what you know and

make someday today"

when simplicity isn't simple

its nearing the dusk of june. as the sun sets on the first half of 2009, i can safely share the facts to this point... a lot has happened and a lot has yet to occur. my "blogging" has taken a severe cut, however i've found a part of me that's been missing for some time. i often thought that the two would go hand-in-hand... the more i shared, the more i'd find out about myself; however such has not been the case.

the happiness i yearned for over the past few years has found a seat next to me and we're being selfish with each other, although not to the point where i only laugh in closets. moreso, when i say "selfish", i'm embracing the new/old me and not looking to lose myself in any misguided relationship, as i've done so many times in the past.

as i write this, i'm catching myself stumped for answers to this damning dillemma and can only summon this - i "simply" learned to accept myself and discover the wonders that people have been telling me about for some time.

i'm aware that this "simply" does not do justice to this period of self-discovery, but at this point of the journey, i cannot define a point where i crossed from A to B... it is just happening. with that said, i'm hoping that with so many things in life, hindsight will be my cliff notes for future reference.

sick of...

have you.. yeah YOU.. ever wondered if someone didn't give a shit about you?

what if... they truly yawned upon news of your untimely demise?

the sooner you accept it, the better you'll sleep at night because you're one of billions and someone is dying or just died and you don't know them and don't care... nothing personal, but that's life.

i guess i'm sick of beating myself up over things i can't help or change... it's been a fault of mine for a good chunk of time and i've wasted a lot of precious time doing so. not sure if i can up and stop, however i'm making a bit more effort to move past things and enjoy time as it presents itself.

whether it works for me will be seen over time, but it's one thing that i can change and that's something i've yet had a chance to get sick of.

then and now

heartless and unsympathetic

immature and

forlorn

my boys were with me this past weekend. not the title i would use to describe the past 5 days, however "he's" on my mind. been so since 1/29/1976. i held the phone in my hand for so many seconds and i put it away with no resolution. the boys and i had a good weekend for my state-of-mind... depressive, sunday-tive, paternitive... I saw some business on the news about a man and his daughter and her friend going through the ice on sat. night. this had me worried about Sunday when my lil griffey was to go out w/ his gramps. i know he was watching the news as well, so i didn't fret... and to my fear - he fell in the water... up to his thigh.. haha.

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS... DOES IT EAT YOU ALIVE? HOW DO YOU COPE? WHEN'S THE LAST TIME? WHEN DOES THE CRAVING END? DOES WOODY WOODPECKER FINALLY GET THE ROADRUNNER?!?

WHEN DOES THIS NONSENSE END? I WANT TO MOVE ON, HOWEVER THE PAST GRABS AND SCREAMS. AM I FIT TO BE WHAT I CLAIM TO BE? YOU CARRY ON WITH BAGGAGE... SHARE THE LOAD SO I CAN FEEL THE BURDEN. I'M LOST YET FEEL FREE.
IGNORANCE THAT WILL SHIT ON MY WINDSHIELD AS WE CROSS THE BARREN PLAIN.

HELP ME TO HELP YOU

When the lights shine on me

I yearn to be in a place in my life where I can promote myself from within a dense mental fog as our friend Joaquin did last night. My pet trilobite can tell me how I looked on TV and we can replay the clip as we fall deeper and deeper into a Robitussin-induced bliss.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/chi-joaquin-phoenix-letterman-090212-story,0,6955108.story

Someday when the lights shine on me.

don quixotic

i contemplate today, tomorrow, yesterday
and next month's calendar page
a yellow highlighter marking significance
time's ignorance equating to indifference
when i passed myself on the road to discovery
he/i/we acknowledged the theory of relativity
i picture a 7 year-old me questioning everything
with the current iteration calmly justifying
why it is that where we are is who we'll become
and where we were is why we are who we are today
nonsense in one sense and sensibility in another
putting one head to bed while awakening his brother
i pray a common ground is found
to ease timely tensions bound
by the conundrums of self and space
when life is confined to such a quixotic place

today, tomorrow and five minutes later

Tuesday night. Thinking. Alone. Alcohol. If there ever was a trend, then this is the perpetuation of one. A graph of my activity would nosedive on Monday and Tuesday with the occasional rise being a result of having a couple extra bucks and the Olde English Brewing Company making a sale in a predominantly white community. No news on my cousin's cancer and no progression on my affliction of kitchen cleanliness. In all honesty to myself and to you - the reader... all is in God's hands, so my opinion is to share my concerns while making myself a better resource to my fellow man.

Tonight, I want to discuss the demise of my creativity. I'm not quite sure when it passed, although I'm sure it was a peaceful and serene event because there haven't been many exciting or stressful events as of late. I have fleeting thoughts of something that warrants writing and like a fart in the wind, it dissipates with little effect on me or my surroundings. I know I had something that I felt was of interest to someone about an hour ago, however after watching Fringe (my new fave show), the impulse and the ensuing action went their seperate ways, leaving me here discussing the awkward remnants.

This has become the coming and going of my day... thought --> interrupting activity --> drooling --> post-synapitic clean-up --> REPEAT.

I've stated in an earlier posting that sometimes I wish I could find a way to manage severe depression without meds and live in the mental turmoil that bubbles with mental anguish/creativity... however that's not exactly conducive to functional normalcy in today's world and I'm sure the boys would eventually grow tired of my virtual parenting via video conference from the psych ward. The wonderful thing about blogging/internet/social-networking is that even this bit of boredom can be transformed into a 2 minute read for someone searching on "Trilobites".

empty space

i've been having a recurring theme lately and it's getting on my nerves. a general feeling of emptiness leaves me spent most days by the time i get home from work. i'm not sure if it's a sign of my medication not working as it should or if it's something else. the days go by and i lose track until i get phone calls or emails indicating that a sufficient amount of time has passed in the real world around me to take note and finish tasks i said i'd handle.

my cousin called me on friday to tell me that another cousin of mine has cancer and the prognosis isn't good. i felt a twinge of pain, however more out of guilt for my uncle who is still coping with sudden loss of his wife and now has to deal with the grim reality that his daughter may not outlive him. that about sums up my emotions for my unfortunate cousin, which bothers me. granted, we're not very close, however i don't have anyone close to me to get upset about. i sometimes wonder what my family thinks of me and my ways... impersonal, cold, distant, damaged?? which leads me to pull further away, because if they don't feel the need to step up to show me interest, then i'm not going to waste my time either.

what i fear most is growing apart from my children once they become adults and begin to build and define their lives. my sickness has pushed me to my limits at times in the past and my thoughts and concerns for my children have been the primary reasons for not following through. will that driving emotion always be there? will i let someone/thing take their place? will i push them away someday? all hypothetical questions and not something i lose sleep over, although the thoughts linger and dance around my subconscious when work or parental duties don't have the troops attention.

i think what is bothering me most lately is the fact that i've been this way for as long as i can remember and with another birthday approaching, i start to wonder if this is the me that i am to be? a functional void? an empty space?

a day in the life of...

it's sat. night and here i am... for the umpteenth time. wondering what it would be like if someone else was here and telling myself that the option was there many times and i chose plan B for a reason... i like being by myself. if i want to be with someone, i'll go hang with my brother or cousin, realizing that i get annoyed with them after an hour or two and coming home to my cave to replenish myself. today was an abnormal w.b. sat (w.b. = without boys) in that i actually left the house. i had griffin's pinewood derby (went 4-4, but 2 of the losses were bogus... technicalities that i am sure are part of a larger conspiracy). i visited my mom's twice and kicked it at my brother's house for a bit.

phone calls annoy me and unexpected visitors don't know that i wish to throw plates and bowls at them. i never would have thought that i would develop into some anti-social hermit, but here i am... 33 years old (in 5 days) and content yet confused. is this the elusive happiness that i've been searching for? i hear about co-workers marital issues and laugh knowing that i go home to a cold couch and cats that expect as much from me as i expect from them or in other words... perfect roommates.

so, in the spirit of savoring the moment, i tip my glass to the howard hughes's and j.d. salinger's of the world by offering my cheers to the solace found in singularity... may we continue to be our own gift and curse.

patriotism

k, i'll stop my senseless ramblings about my psuedo-whorism. guess i just don't have the chops to pull it off day in and day out. if i lost the few readers i had left, then i apologize and i'll start doing what i do to a new crowd or just talk to myself. just know that most of the subject matter was me under the surface nonsense, so you weren't being totally screwed... just marinated with ooey gooey sexiness.

i'm keeping this post short simply because i don't have squat to say... other than that i found out how cool http://www.npr.com/ (you know... the really lame station your dad listened to back in the day) is and coupling that with the new-found patriotism we all dug up over the past week. To see Jimi put his name on the national anthem is something everyone should see:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=99505099

Early to bed...

We all have our vices and I'm sure you'll agree that there are some worse than others. I get paid for sex, which when all is said and done, I would consider a vice. Why would I want to expose myself day-in and day-out to such a numbing experience, simply to make sure I have clothes on my back and a roof over my head.

In short, it helps me forget my other vices. I think that's an underlying reason why many of us do what we do. To compile a short list of minor vices of mine would take a minute or two, but this epiphany has taken years. It took form in the past few days as I've been thinking of bits to share and is coming out in a flood of emotions right now. I chew my nails, I lie, I cheat, I steal, I drink too much caffeine. Why? I'm nervous about yesterday's "john"'s wife walking in and catching her husband and I, as well as "john" looking for me after he's realized what I took as a souvenir... the latte I drank as I drove away covers the last item.

To forget said incident, I'll "work" tonight and take what life delivers. Today I wondered if this is what my path is? Vicing to forget my vices? Sinning to cover up my sins? To repent or not repent? Why bother when I'll start small again on my way out of church?

Not to look for any answers, so much as a starting point. One cannot change until they see what need's to be changed. And no, I don't intend to put away my heels after logging off and picking up a copy of the classifieds. I started this as a mental mirror to reflect on and see where the days take me... inside and outside my head. And as confusing as this blogging business has been to me... making time when I thought I had none, using creativity while fully clothed and choosing to let a part of me out that's been locked up for some time... it's certainly helped me see things in a new light. And (don't you hate it when people start sentences with "And"??) to really catch the moment... I've begun work on an anti-vice --> Sleep.

Anonymity

Just when you think you're anonymous, life has a way of letting you know you're always in the back of its mind. Comforting in one way, yet discouraging in that even as adults, we're still children hunting cookie jars. In the same breath, how come it seems that for all the good we do in life, we're recognized moreso for our mistakes and missteps?

After a hectic and somewhat downtrodden week, I ran into an old acquaintance while walking to the market today. Over the years, I've learned to drown out everyday life and functionaly zone out. In mode and en route, this person recognized me and caught my attention and I caught myself off guart by welcoming the company.

Our connection was via a previous employer and no... not that kind of employer. This was from another time and an earlier life. A simpler period looking back, however miserable at the time. We shared the jewelry counter at a local department store, so it was a young lady's dream gig for a short while. A diamond encrusted playland that paid the bills. What's to complain about you ask?? I was freshly dipped each night as long as I returned the keys to the pumpkin in the morning, before my supervisor got in.

My co-worker and this morning's acquaintance, would constantly warn me about my actions, until I convinced her to accompany me out. I made a point to take enough for the both of us and being away from the diamond mine made it easier to persuade her to try the charmed life. To see the sparkle in her eye when she saw her bedazzled reflection brought back the memories I used to enjoy before complacency set in. After a bit of playtime, I managed to drag her away to enjoy the rest of the night.

With the next day came a jarring discussion thanks to my supervisor. Seems my princess-in-training took a bit of fondness to some of her trinkets and when questioned, decided to share her version of Cinderella, complete with naming the little mouse that delivered the goods. Although I was mildly upset that I was outed, I was building up my escape from slavery in the diamond mines, so it all worked out.

After some introduction chatter, we questioned each other's travels since commercial slavery. She had since finished college and was a happy cubicle drone in an office downtown, complete with husband and kids. With a block to go before she reached her daily destination, she inquired about my path up to today. How does one, in my shoes, handle this with grace, tact, and "ahem" honesty?? I did my best to describe tripping across my business concept over dinner with a date. Oh, the life of a therapist (specializing in undersexed males). School... yes, I studied men's philosophy. Family... very little unless you count those that disowned me once they made their discoveries... "ahem" I mean no, we've become distant over the past few years... connecting over the holidays.

As her building approached, we bid adieus and exchanged hugs... she holding a bit longer than what would seem customary. When our eyes met again, I could see that my lies were less than successful and I saw a look of curiosity, disgust and pity. Again, I was the one on the wrong side of the tracks and she was the one wanting to step. Cursing me for feeding the parasites that taint the innocent world she likes to claim. I wondered how many times she saw me walking before deciding to approach me and now regretting her decision because of the soiling that resulted.

Forgotten...

This blogging is serious business. nuff said. When you've had umpteen jimmies in your buisness, you lose track of time. With resolutions and daily fodder out of the way, I guess it's time we get down to the core of being a lady of the night.

Like y'all, I get tired of the same ole, same ole; however I also know that said same ole keeps the lights on. With that said, I have managed to keep some flexibility in this day on-day off schedule. When I'm not getting stuffed with various cream fillings, you can find me online or cuddled up with a good read. I rarely venture outside, since I've got all night to do so. On the rare occasion I've got a day "john", I'm apt to get the job done quicker to get home to my sanctuary and away from y'all.

To be frank, I really don't enjoy my fellow humans and can do without you for the most part. This "most part" not consisting of my moms, pops and my sis. They help me keep the wagon from ridin' on 2 wheels vs. 4. While you've all (people in general) managed to destroy trust, humanity, compassion, and faith in some way or another (w/ bias I'm sure); these individuals have risen above the dust (or kept my ire at bay) to maintain some sort of semblance that allows me reason to continue hope in family.

My mother comes first because she got me to this position (life, liberty and pursuit of happiness... blah, blah). My father (save for being a sperm donor) has shown me that with all life's ills, there is still reason to smile. My sis fills in the gaps and shows me what's possible when I make use of what I have.

With all that said, I've learned that family can be a burden or a buoy... keeping us back or keeping us afloat. Nothing more or nothing less. Finding the balance has been a chore for the past 32 years. Just when I think I've found that balance that keeps me from sinking, I find myself gasping and vice versa (fangs visible and drooling). Moms drops wisdom or opinion and I play my hand. Last year, this resulted in a stalemate and took me to checkmate to get a response. Pops will always take the check to make sure I've got firm footing. Sis is the average and question mark. When I think I've got shit maintained and locked up, one of the three drops the hammer and puts me on to see what I've learned. Over-confidence typically prevails and I end up sucking hind-tail to get back to square one.

When I look at my spot on the playing field today, I know that it's only a move away from checkmate... yours or mine. Keep me engaged knowing I've got some chance to prevail and an equal amount of chance to fail. Spectators practice silence and participants utilize will. This game is life and this life will...

2009 Resolutions

So as neophyte as I claim to be, I find myself continuously doing otherwise... in this example posting a list of new years resolutions. Well, then so be it and maybe you'll see a Rx for this in my list.

Another night with my "influence" and another blog... trend or just coincidence?? No comments yet, so maybe you're questioning the raison d'etre de c'est l'enfant? Split personality... curious yearning... plea for attention??? Whatever the reason, I have a voice and feel it worthy of sharing, so pass your judgement and read on (because I know you sick lil puppies are all waiting for the moment I go all "play-by-play" and talk about a day-in-the-life-of).

I've begun work on one goal and you're reading it. I share my thoughts and dreams with "Johns", however I'm sure you know how far that gets me. my dear monkie has given me the gift of the world. Even if I get no replies, I get a soapbox that I never had. When a gal spends a good part of her day looking up, she has a lot to think about. This platform allows me to get those grandiose thoughts out of my head and room to grow... and also allows me to cache those thoughts and back to the task at hand.

My second goal is to do more introspective spelunking. I know this collection will do so (granted I continue), however I want to expand on it exponentially by taking a step physically parallel to those done so mentally. I get out mainly to make ends meet. I have yet to truly explore this new community and my own world more so. As much as I enjoy the pleasure my profession provides, I yearn for a more complete fulfilling picture I know I'm currently missing.

Finally, I want to learn a new skill(s). I think this should be a goal for everyone, but I gotta start small, so I'll preach to my own choir before I enter your place of worship. Whether it be something as simple as re-discovering the art of parallel parking or something more grandiose, I want to push myself to new limits. Don't take this as a subtle dig to my profession, as I enjoy making a living doing what so many of you yearn for (and are willing to pay for). I'm reverting to my all-encompassing view in that we should all push ourselves to learn what so many of us already know. True cross-training. My crosshairs are dead set on candystriping.

Should this "experiment" continue, we'll all share in the daily fruit of a tart. The ongoing question being who benefits more.