empty space

i've been having a recurring theme lately and it's getting on my nerves. a general feeling of emptiness leaves me spent most days by the time i get home from work. i'm not sure if it's a sign of my medication not working as it should or if it's something else. the days go by and i lose track until i get phone calls or emails indicating that a sufficient amount of time has passed in the real world around me to take note and finish tasks i said i'd handle.

my cousin called me on friday to tell me that another cousin of mine has cancer and the prognosis isn't good. i felt a twinge of pain, however more out of guilt for my uncle who is still coping with sudden loss of his wife and now has to deal with the grim reality that his daughter may not outlive him. that about sums up my emotions for my unfortunate cousin, which bothers me. granted, we're not very close, however i don't have anyone close to me to get upset about. i sometimes wonder what my family thinks of me and my ways... impersonal, cold, distant, damaged?? which leads me to pull further away, because if they don't feel the need to step up to show me interest, then i'm not going to waste my time either.

what i fear most is growing apart from my children once they become adults and begin to build and define their lives. my sickness has pushed me to my limits at times in the past and my thoughts and concerns for my children have been the primary reasons for not following through. will that driving emotion always be there? will i let someone/thing take their place? will i push them away someday? all hypothetical questions and not something i lose sleep over, although the thoughts linger and dance around my subconscious when work or parental duties don't have the troops attention.

i think what is bothering me most lately is the fact that i've been this way for as long as i can remember and with another birthday approaching, i start to wonder if this is the me that i am to be? a functional void? an empty space?