4

Number 4. Those are words I never thought would apply to me, yet its not really a surprise now that its here, considering that I... continue to credit myself for intelligence that's not really there... continue to turn a blind eye to the obvious... and continue to think and act like I'm in a position to give advice and judge, when its pretty clear how much of a directionless plop I have become at the tender age of 37.

"4" refers to a situation I'm currently mired in, thanks to my dear associate, alcoholism. A dear associate that has stuck by me through thick and thin, in good times and bad, and for all intensive purposes, is bound and determined to be there "till death do us part". Depending on the day and mood, I have called it far worse things and conversely, have even joked about it's place in my life, which is probably one of the many reasons I'm writing about this subject instead of sharing my thoughts on something else, such as... the sand in Barbados.

On one hand, I almost fear putting down additional words about this topic for the same reason reason kids are scared to say "Bloody Mary" or "CandyMan" and that's the fear it may show itself again. On the other hand, burying it (along with other things) has allowed it to become a festering parasite that has made me into a shell of what I believe I am capable of being.

And it's at this point that I need to say "Whoa". Take it down a notch and re-read the first paragraph. The whole mantra of perpetuation is what needs to be interrupted before the count increases. Maybe even blogging is counter-productive, because it continues the trend of self-talk that has me trying to self-diagnose myself. Whatever the solution may be... what I'm doing isn't it.

So I've started to believe and live the cliches (keep it simple... one day at a time... we have twice as many ears as mouths for a reason - one should be used twice as much as the other). They say a lot more than I've said over the span of this post and this entire blog. And while I'm obviously sorting through a lot and still feel like a bit of a directionless plop today, I'm not limiting myself because of "4". It's happened and it's a significant hurdle, but it's not the end. Its going to only be what I allow it to be and what I decide to make of it.