december

there's a chill in the air that hurts

through the layers, through the glass

bringing upon a painful numbness

that feeds on memories of significance past

a snowy day with lingering thoughts

sprinkled with doubts of years gone by

kids in gore-tex and feathered down

oblivious or naive, they're fortunate

as i watch them play, I

recall the dynamics of childhood

the drawbacks of change

the gift and the curse of age

beautiful spontaneity, limitless hope

empty black evenings and blanketless cold

striking contrasts with eerie similarity

a portrait encompassing our youth

solitude

Alone with you, I can't help but wonder

Are you the one or another blunder

Destiny's sense of humor has a way

of making the obvious "confidential" per se

Breaking the news once all but I know

Parade Grand Marshall of the idiot show

If why is what, then who is where

The joke remains and I stop and stare

At a train wreck, guilty as charged

Mirror images I ignore with disregard

Dance with me, for I know not why

Only that I'll find a reason for good-bye

Whether it be personal or superficial

You'll thank me as separation will be beneficial

Incurable cancer with a touch of hurt

Doctoral thesis for psychology major convert

inception to conception

raindrops bounce off headlight beams

shimmering reflections

illuminating fermenting dreams

cranial selections

subliminal choices i don't control

intriguing diversions

far too many thoughts to hold

impending dispersion

what sticks is based on days gone by

yesterday's erosion

remnants remain to answer why

eventual notion

tonight i'll sleep, tomorrow i'll awaken

continual conception

i pray i build upon the path i've taken

evolutionary perception

Seasonal Reasoning

The grey skies continue, both inside and outside my head. I would say the trend is now nearing 2 months of general sub-par emotions. I’ve cut back on my “bad habit” and have noticed little change, so not quite sure of the cause. With that said, the past weekend was a w.b. weekend, so I feel somewhat better, but know that an extended w/o. b. is approaching, and as a result - the need to entertain myself in productive ways.

I was thinking about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD – fitting acronym, huh?), since I certainly notice a distinct emotional drop-off in the past 2 months and the symptoms seem to match up:

Symptoms of SAD may consist of: difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to oversleep as well as to overeat, and especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities. All of this leads to the depression, pessimism, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder (per Wikipedia).

Do I see my doc to get my meds re-adjusted or just see it through and let things play out? I see I asked myself the same question last month, so I think if something doesn’t give by Christmas, then I’ll proceed to option 1. If you’re reading and haven’t heard from me, then don’t take it personal… I’m avoiding everybody. You’re neither special nor shunned… just an unlucky acquaintance of a SAD patient.

What's happening!?!?

After 2 days of hell, I’m tired of being angry for no reason. Granted there have been stupid people and situations to get angry at, but I’m usually pretty good at letting those things go under the bridge and look to the goodness that will eventually come. Instead, I find myself diving into the water and fighting the current, at most times for no reason other than to fight it. As one can imagine… this gets pretty tiring, not to mention frustrating.

Last night I was drained to the point where I went home, ate dinner and decided bed was the best option at 7pm and tonight is looking much like the same. Now if you don’t know me, I’ve fought through episodes of depression in the past and take happy pills to help w/ the daily struggle I call “life”. I’m now considering if I need to check w/ my doc to see if my meds need to be re-evaluated, since this is exactly how I feel when I lapse on my meds for some time.

Anyway, I’ll be back in a minute… I’ve got to punch some happy people.

September Farmer

Prior to first frost

And post-cultivation

I’ll be tasting the fruits of my labor

Potatoes and corn galore

Never once needing

You and your grocery store

Cool dirt under my nails

And overalls over my arse

I’ll gaily sing in the field

While I dance in my boots

Picking carrots and plucking beans

Getting’ down to the levels of roots

addiction

my nemesis knocks
he peeks through the cracks
next the doorbell, because
he knows i'll look back
a false promise of change
we're old lovers scorned
i've heard all the lies
as we've been here before


our time defines tragedy
synonyms - misery & grief
his taking, my giving
in hindsight, disbelief
so tonight he'll return
like so many times before
no matter the address
its the same man at the door